Jared Kempton

I know it's kind of weird for the author to write about himself in the "about the author" section, but my life is so dull that I couldn't get anyone else to write about it. I thought about including only the interesting things about me, but then my "About the Author" would read something like this:

"The author speaks Chinese."

This is my first and possibly only book, so I have to make it longer than that. Therefore, in order to indulge my vanity, I have decided to include many boring details.

To begin with, I was born the youngest of two children. That lasted for about two years, at which time I became the middle child. The trend continued, and 13 years later I was the second oldest of nine children. When people hear how many brothers and sisters I have, they often ask me if I can remember all of their names. The answer to that is that I didn't have to, because my parents made us wear nametags. Just kidding. I do in fact know all of their names - first, last, and middle - as well as their birthdays, though I still always forget to send them a card.

I lived the first ten years of my life in southern New Mexico. From there I moved to Sierra Vista, Arizona, where I lived for five years. It was while attending middle school in Sierra Vista that I began carrying a briefcase. It was not a trend that caught on, strangely enough. You know what trend was popular? Overalls. Overalls with one strap undone. How is that more cool than a briefcase? In 8th grade I moved to Saint David, Arizona, population 1,800. I lived there for two years before moving to Castle Rock, Colorado, where I graduated from High School. I then went to college in New Mexico for a year before going to Hong Kong (the one in China, not the one in Japan (there isn't really one in Japan, but when I say I lived in Hong Kong people always ask me if I liked Japan)) for two years as a missionary. That is where I learned to speak Chinese.

It is interesting to note here that my mother worked very hard to teach me good manners while I was growing up. She insisted that it would be important to me to make a good impression if I were ever to be in a position where I traveled and met lots of new people. Well, living in China was exactly that position, but their table manners and our table manners have absolutely nothing in common. Burping, talking with your mouth full, using your hands - it was all fair game at a Chinese dinner table. In fact, I could only make out three real rules of etiquette while I was there - don't play drumsticks with your chopsticks, don't stick your chopsticks straight up in your rice, and don't take the last piece of food without being invited to by the hostess.

When I arrived home from China, my mom was appalled (and my younger brothers were amused) by my complete forsaking of American etiquette. I decided that I definitely needed something to straighten me up, so I joined the army. That pretty much destroyed all hope of me ever being invited to dine with High Society. Besides everything I had learned in China, after the army I could also eat really fast, take unbelievably large bites, and store food in my cheeks like a chipmunk to get me through difficult combat training exercises.

It should come as no surprise that after finishing my military training, I only ever found one girl that would go out with me. Lucky for me, that girl agreed to be my wife. We are very happily married and have the most beautiful daughter in the whole world. My life is great, and I attribute much of that happiness to the wonderful women in my life - my mother, grandmother, wife, and daughter. I also owe a lot to my father, who raised me with a great respect for women. I cannot recall a single time growing up that my father belittled or insulted my mom, and he would not tolerate it from us, either. As a result, I grew up appreciating the value that women add to my life. It angers me to see men mistreat women, and even worse, women disrespect themselves. This book is my personal tribute to the beauty and sanctity of women, and my small contribution to trying to make the world a better place for them.